The Birds and the Bees
Copyright Chamie Delkeskamp, May 2010
When beginning his sermon about the seventh commandment of “thou shalt
not commit adultery,”* my colleague said,
“I think people like to talk about sex in church as much as people like
to talk about church while having sex.” A mix of laughter followed.
Some of the laughter was stifled and awkward. Some of it was robust
either from finding the statement truly comical or finding the
statement truly uncomfortable.
Sex is not always an easy topic
of conversation be it at church, between spouses, between parents and
children, or be it with our own selves. I must agree, however, with a
colleague who leads sex education classes for youth, “If families can
talk about sex, they can talk about anything.”
So, we are going to talk about
it. We must really. Sex could be argued as one of the most powerful
forces in the universe. It has unique powers to create and to destroy.
Consider just today… somewhere around 10,00 babies were born in the
United States, around 6,000 people got married and celebrated their
love in bed later that day, and a countless number of couples spoke the
mysterious language of the body as they wrote the story of their
relationship through flesh. Yes, sex has the power to create.
On the other side, however, sex
has the power to destroy. Consider just this year… over 15 million new
cases of sexually transmitted diseases will be diagnosed in the United
States. Globally, over one million children will be sold into the sex
trade. Thousands of children will be molested, thousands of women will
be raped. A countless number of couples will have broken their vows to
each other and themselves as they ripped in half the story of their
relationship through flesh. Yes, sex has the power to destroy.
We know that where there is
power, there must be boundaries. That is why we have things like speed
limits, classroom rules, safety caps, fire rings, nutritional labels,
sunscreen, enclosures, and the ozone layer.
It is also why we have scripture.
The Grand Designer of a world full of power knew we needed a story in
which to contain the forces of creation and destruction.
It is in this story, God’s story, that we must first and foremost put our sexual story. It is the story that needs to form us.
I have an increasing love for the
phrase “story-formed.” I first played with those words through our
friend Tara who created the “Story-Formed Calendar.”** Time, like sex,
has the power to create and destroy. Tara decided to take her time –
her days and weeks and months – and make sure they rested first and
foremost in God’s time. Her calendar is based on the rhythms of the
Christian year and on the story of the God who formed us.
Tara writes, “The truth is, as
people, we are story-formed. We are formed by the ones we live, the
ones we believe, the ones we hear, read and are told. Be it stories
about our families, stories in our communities, or stories found in our
culture-at-large, we are shaped by the narratives and stories all
around us.”
As you consider that you are
story-formed, what story (and stories) has most formed your view of
sex? Where do you get your information, because ultimately that
information will form you?
I once heard a preacher say that
Dicken’s A Christmas Carol has probably done more for our notions of
Christmas than Luke’s story from the gospel.*** I wonder, too, if Days
of Our Lives, Desperate Housewives, Vogue, Esquire, Teen Magazine, Dr.
Ruth, Oprah, and The Joy of Sex – just to name a few – have done more
for our notions of sex than the Bible?
Inadequate story telling,
however, is not just to blame on the culture at large. Preachers and
teachers too often fail at retelling the biblical story of sex.
Sometimes they avoid it completely because, as my colleague pointed out
in his opening joke, it is uncomfortable talking about sex in church.
Other times, preachers and teachers attack the topic with a list of
“thou shalt nots.” Though this might perhaps address some of the
boundaries in containing sex’s power, a list is not as strong as a
story. And a “do not list” does not tell the narrative of mystery,
beauty, struggle, or redemption.
How might we frame our lives, in particular our sexual lives, by the biblical narrative?
Well, let me tell you a story…
When I was pastoring the local
church, a recently graduated youth, barely eighteen, informed me that
she was getting married. Approximately 21 seconds later she informed me
that she was pregnant. I sat with her and a group of friends around a
restaurant table. You could tell there was a bit of discomfort in
talking about “sex” with the “church lady” (that would be me).
A few days later, a mother of
another youth came storming into my office. “Do you know one of the
youth is pregnant?” she charged with anger.
“Yes,” I calmly replied as I looked at her hovering over my desk.
“Well! What are you going to do about it?!”
I’m not quite sure what she was
expecting me to say, but I had this feeling that she wanted the
pregnant teen “expelled.” Without hesitation, I calmly responded, “I’m
going to love her.”
She rolled her eyes, turned and walked out of the room. She appeared not to like my answer.
I felt the anger boil under my
skin. I was angry with the apparent self-righteousness of this woman.
No wonder people don’t like to talk about sex in church.
A little bit later, I ran into
another mother who had heard about the pregnant youth. It hadn’t seemed
to phase her in the least. “Well, you know most teens have sex. That’s
just how it is. The church just needs to accept it.” No wonder people
don’t like to talk about church when having sex.
I felt the frustration boil under
my skin. I was frustrated with the apparent lack of concern that an
18-year-old was about to enter a marriage with a man she didn’t really
know and maybe didn’t even really want to marry and was about to begin
raising a child though she was not yet “raised” herself.
What stories framed and formed
these mothers? You might, perhaps, say the biblical story. One could be
called the biblical “law” story and one could be called the biblical
“grace” story. But here’s the rub – there aren’t two biblical stories.
There is one. Furthermore, we have a problem when we equate “law” with
“judgment” and “grace” with “it’s okay.” Dr. Craig Koester, a professor
at Luther Seminary, says it this way, “Discussion of sexual boundaries
is skewed when law and gospel are equated with condemnation and
acceptance.”****
Perhaps law is about how we live
in best relationship with God, one another, and creation. Perhaps grace
is how we love each other when we fail to live in best relationship
with God, one another, and creation.
I believe it is this story of
God’s love and grace that can hold and contain the powers of sex. I
believe this is the story that must form us.
To live out that story means to
me to not accept that sex outside of marriage is “okay”, for nowhere in
scripture does God bless the power of sex outside the boundaries of the
marriage covenant. This means, then, that when an unmarried 18-year-old
tells me she is pregnant, I don’t say, “Oh, that’s okay, most everyone
is having sex.” Neither does it mean, “well, you can’t come to church
anymore.” Rather, it means that I rally the moms group at church to
pray for her and collect baby items. It means I pick up a changing
table at a yard sale and drop it by her house. It means I sit in the
hospital waiting room while she is in labor and am there to welcome the
new baby into this world.
This spring, as the bees are
buzzing and the birds are singing, sit yourself down in God’s story.
Open the scriptures. Read the story of law and grace. Live the story of
law and grace. Talk about sex. Talk about church. Go as far as to talk
about sex in church and to talk about church (i.e. God) while having
sex. Talk to your children about sex, exploring how to tell the story
at whatever age and level of maturity they are at. Know that it is an
ongoing conversation because we are God’s ongoing story. As you are
formed by that story, may you know that the powers of sex are
beautifully held in the bounds of law and grace. Amen.
*You can read the 10 Commandments in the 20th chapter of Exodus, the Old Testament of the Bible.
**To learn more about the Story-Formed calendar, go to www.storyformed.wordpress.com.
***These are the words of United
Methodist bishop, Rev. Will Willimon, from the sermon “The God We
Hardly Knew” as it appears in Watch for the Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas.”
****These words are quoted from Dr. Craig Koester’s article from The Lutheran Quarterly. Dr. Koester teaches at Luther Seminary in St. Paul, MN.
Mulling Questions
1. Does talking about sex in
church make you uncomfortable? Why or why not? Does talking about
church (or, maybe better said, God) while having or talking about sex
make you uncomfortable? Why or why not?
2. What story or stories have
most formed you in regards to your thoughts and ideas about sex? What
information has most formed you?
3. How do you see God's story of law and grace playing out in how you teach your children about sex?
Action Opportunities
1. Attend a parenting class about
sex education. Or have your Raising Micah group sponsor one at your
church or in your community. Extend the class to include instruction
for youth.
2. Learn about global sex trafficking and explore ways to support ministries that advocate and work on behalf of the enslaved.
3. Visit a center that helps pregnant women and explore ways you can support their mission and ministry.
For Further Growth
1. For an extended read of what God's story says about law, grace, and sex, read Lauren Winner's Real Sex. She teaches at Duke Divinity School, a United Methodist Seminary.
2. For couples wanting to explore or strengthen their sex life, you may find The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner a helpful read.
3. Want help in talking to your children about sex? You may
want to check out the following book from the Medical Institute for
Sexual Health: Questions Kids Ask About Sex: Honest Answers for Every Age.
4. For teens, you may want to explore Good Sex Curriculum by Jim Hancock and Kara Powell (Dr. Powell is the Director of the Fuller Seminary Youth Institute).
5. The "Learning About Sex" series has various books geared for boys and girls throughout their development.
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